Four Hours of American Idol

So here I am with my recap of the first two night of American Idol 7. To quote Randy Jackson: "Season 7 - what?!" I decided that I would take notes (I don't know how long this will last.) so I can accurately make fun of these people. Please tell me if you read this. I won't waste my time next week if nobody read it. Or I'll just make it a lot shorter.
8 of my 10 rules were broken in the first two nights. Numbers 3 and 5 haven't been broken. Yet. Here we go...

January 15 - Philadelphia Auditions

First things first. There's Paula's white bra.

Joey "I Lost 204 Pounds" Catalano - They started with someone good! His voice is nice and smooth.

After commercial break we get a "Welcome to Philadelphia" from a guy that is probably the creepy Ben Franklin from the episode of The Office aptly named "Ben Franklin". Oogey.

Alaa "I Want to Love a Girl From Hair to Her Nipple" Youakeem - Gross.

Melanie Nyema - Taylor Hicks' back-up singer. I already know she's better than him.

James "Crash Test Dummies" Lewis - I heard this guy singing "Let My People Go" on the radio recap this morning and was laughing so hard. He and his weird twisted tongue were hilarious.

Junot Joiner - You gotta love a guy whose mom is so excited she takes off her shoes. He and the two other guys that they showed with him were all really good.

Temptress "This Girl Really Scares Me" Brown - I felt sorry for her because she WAS sweet, but she was the first one they showed to break my rule #4. Jennifer Hudson is not someone you want to try to imitate.

Mark "Cricket Noises" Hayes - It always cracks me up when someone sings a Christmas song. And badly.

Udgeet "Can You Explain?" Sampat - Sang Frank Sinatra's My Way. I also heard this on the radio this morning and couldn't stop laughing. It was even funnier watching it.

During the montage of people singing "I Love Rock N Roll" someone broke rule #10. They had their lyrics on a piece of paper.

Alexis "I Can't Pick a Nickname There Are So Many" Cohen - Possibilities: "I'm like a pirate." "I'm going for actressing." "If I could legally moon ya, I would." "Willem Dafoe" "Builds up anger"...

Angela "Not the One from The Office" Martin - This girl was great. She just needs to "de-weddingize". I agree. The moving and snapping bothered me.

End of day one: We find out that Simon has no feelings for other people and can't celebrate with others. Hmph.

Alyse "Really Long Last Name" W. - I'd like my eardrums unburst, please.

Milo "Old Guy" Turk - No sex allowed! I already thought "creepy" before Simon even said it. I liked the line "Sex is weak. Love is strong."

Kristy Lee Cook - I'm putting my money on this girl. And I love that she's a cagefighter.

Paul "Creepiest Audition Ever" Marturano - What the... stalker? I will be having nightmares about this guy. I hope Paula hired a bodyguard for the rest of her time in Philly.

Beth "Little Liz" Stalker - I like this girl alot more than the judges did. I'm glad she made it through.

Then there was the bikini wearing hairy dancing guy. He broke all rules ever written, but my rules #1 and #7 - Costumes and Dancing

Chris "When I'm Witchu" Watson - This guy was really good but I don't remember anything else about him.

Christina "Leia... duh" Tolisano - Removable hair buns. Hm.

Brooke White - As a fellow nanny, I adore this girl. I was proud of her for ignoring Simon while he was being dirty. She is super cute and has an excellent voice.

January 16 - Dallas Auditions

First things first here - When they came back from the first commercial and showed cattle walking down the street, that was a shot from Fort Worth, not Dallas. Get it right. They are not the same. I was hoping to see someone I knew somewhere in these crowds, but I didn't.

The second guy up broke rule #4 again. They just don't listen.

Beth "Not Kelly Clarkson" Maddox - Just the first of many tonight.

Alaina Whitaker - She was really good, but I again don't remember anything else about her.

Bruce "Key Necklace" Dickson - His voice was just ok but he made anyway. I was more creeped out that his dad held his heart until he gave it to his future wife. That's more of a mom kind of thing. However, what made the whole piece was the background music of "Right Here Waiting." So funny!

Zpia - I only got this mohawked girl's nickname. She wasn't good but somehow made it anyway. Simon referred to past background vocalists coming in acting like "whipped donkeys". Is that what he thought of the amazing Melinda Dolittle?

Brandon "Bag O' Fingernails" Green - GROSS! Despite this digustingness he still made it. I hope I don't have to look at that again in Hollywood.

Kayla Hatfield - The girl was in an accident when she was 18 and now wears yellow clothes and smiles a lot. Her voice was horrible but she made it. I don't see her making it past the first day in Hollywood.

Kady "I Do Impressions" Malloy - She was good at all of the voices she did. She broke rule #2 by singing Unchained Melody, but it was forgiven because she did well. She'll go far, I hope.

Douglas "Can I Warm Up" Davidson - Broke rule #9 - Once you're bad, you're always bad. And nobody should sing Bon Jovi either.

Angela "Just Married" Reilly - She didn't seem to excited about her husband. Her husband seemed pretty excited about her, though.

Kyle "Governor of Oklahoma" Ensley - One of those you're suprised that they had a good voice. Way to go, kid.

Tammy "Boring" Tuzinski - Broke rule #6 - You are not Celine Dion.

Colton "Shouting" Swon - He sounded like Rascal Flatts to me. He made it, but we'll see.

Drew "Farmer Cutie" Poppelreiter - Sang the George Strait song and rocked it. I hope he goes far.

Kyle "Guyliner" Reinneck - He creeped me out. He also, along with half of the audtioners, attempted Kelly Clarkson. He also did one of my two favorite things that audtioners do: Held up the fake microphone. (The other would be holding the fake earpiece.)

Oh, the Kelly Clarkson montage. Good ol' rule #4.

Nina "Rules Were Made To Be Broken" Shaw - The Burleson girl who sang Whitney Houston and was really good.

And the best guy of the night... Renaldo "I Am Your Brother" Lupuz/Lapuz/Something - Golden piece of comedy right there. I was rolling. Especially at the end when Paula started dancing in front of him. Loved it.

One week down. Eighteen weeks to go. I love this show.


  1. Hi Sweetie - pretty funny stuff - on Milo you put "though" instead of thought - how long did this post take you??? - this could get you on TV as a human interest story related to Idol :)

  2. We are reading! Keep up the entertaining posts. I was laughing all night at this show. Using my DVR is so much better because I can push forward through the terrible singers and just listen to Simons hilarious commments. Look forward to next weeks commentary by Ashley!

  3. I read this because I love you, but I don't watch. You know that. Just thought I'd reiterate.

  4. So I have never really watched Idol before and just thought I would try it this year. I watched the Dallas Auditions because it was in Texas. They were really funny especially the very last guy. I enjoyed your commentary except that I don't pay near as much attention as you do. But keep up the good work.